Wuhan Word Salad


China. Wuhan. Bat soup. Wet market. People ill. People dying. World concerned. Virus arrives in US. Citizens alarmed. Talking heads peddle fear porn. Wear masks. Don’t wear masks. Wear masks. Use hand sanitizer. Disinfect your groceries, Wear gloves. Don’t wear gloves. Social distance. Save PPE for healthcare workers. The emergence of the Covid Karen. Businesses closed. No visiting the elderly in care homes. Despair rises. No play dates. No adult dates. Work from home. School from home. No holiday dinners. No proms. No graduation ceremonies. Fourth of July cancelled. People pissed. Fauci moves goal posts continuously. No Halloween. Election shit show. Thanksgiving cancelled. Vaccine pushed. Second wave. Mandates back in play. New variant. Non-stop vaccine push. Emergence of Vaccine Karen and Karl. Double mask if not vaxxed. Lose job if not vaxxed. No college if not vaxxed. Delta variant. More easily spread. More deadly. Hospitals overrun. Nurses quitting. Numbers skewed. VAERS reports studied. People furious. No trust in the CDC, the NIH, or Fauci. Parents push back against masks in school. Masks required on planes until 1/18/22. US on the brink of a total collapse.

Are you angry yet? 

Step Away From the Internet, Sparky

I am getting older. Perhaps that explains how I dream this shit up…

My annual breast exam will be conducted at Hooters.
Directions to my doctor’s office will include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
The tongue depressors will taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
My “primary care physician” is wearing the pants I gave to Goodwill last month.
Zanax will come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
“The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

Blanche Needs Help

According to the ads to the right of my precious FB real estate, I should pay attention to my real age, my jam box, and something about playing the hottest game for the hottest girls. If this is some sort of opt in/out research, can I make mega bucks participating, or should I be content in the knowledge that these are only subliminal messages designed to prompt me to insert a screwdriver into my eye?

Get On Gab

Let’s face it: Gab requires you to have balls of steel and a sense of humor. Gab is kinda like a big karaoke bar but it seems some people only want to be heard singing by their friends, so we’ll go sing in everyone else’s basement, too.

Your four main weapons are: Surprise, Fear, and Ruthless Efficiency.

Be sure to join random groups in which you clearly have no interest; drop a random turd and wait for it……

“You Riverdancing Shirley Temple impersonator.”

“Back away from the toolbar.. That’s it, nice and slow…”

“Crap. I just ordered a dog from Amazon.”

“YAY….will we get to wear chains and get our naked hindquarters spanked?”

“I wear a blindfold in the shower but only because of my backfat.”

“Who’s the asshole who’s voted for “asshole”? What an asshole.”

“You can’t tell me you like scrotums. Nobody likes scrotums.”

“Of course i wouldn’t expect you to comprehend any of this because it would require you to stop licking the paint off of your walls for too long. maybe you can ask the “smart brother” to read it for you.”

“I’m not going to generalize here, so all I’ll say is that these were clearly the type of guys who wear their high school football jackets to every function, including the prom (with dress pants, though); who have Top Gun: Redux on DVD; and most significantly, who get on top of their girlfriends for two–no that’s unfair, two and a half–minutes, come, roll over, fart, and think to themselves, “God I just gave my woman a gooder.”

“Don’t post your shit here, moron.”

“I haven’t posted anything I wouldn’t want anyone else to see. Now, if they could see I did it in my skivvies, that would be something else.”

“Pfft. One day I might be half as smart as you, Bill Mitchell.”

”Don’t you dare refer to me as paranoid… until you have been a 19 year old female on the internet, you have no right to do so.”

*Weeps silently and goes to 4-chan*

“Actually giggles like a schoolgirl at ‘Click here to see photos of goats that have stiffened.'”

“You people are fucking nuts…. out of your trees the lot of you.”

“I want details for God’s sake!

*turns on heel stomps off and slams door*
Ouch! On own hand….*fuck*”

“One button? Are you mad? Thou art loopy. What’s the point of a toolbar with only one button?”

“Very few people know that wet dog thing is a powerful aphrodisiac.”

“Goats mow lawns well. And act as burglar deterrents. But not as effectively as geese. Geese, on the other hand, shit a lot more than goats. Evil thing, goose shit.”

“You people are so uncultured. If you don’t have a pinky, how can you expect to sit and drink tea properly, when invited round by the vicar?”

“Are those your fingers or extra nipples?”

“I didn’t know my eyeballs could get this hot.”

Go for these tried and true methods.
You’ll be glad you did.  😁

No More Sleeping Pills for Me

Worst songs to strip to:
“Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego” came roaring into first barely beating out the Animaniacs theme song. In third was “I’m A Little Teapot”, followed by “Silver Spoons”.

Answer calls from scam artists with: “Dick Nasty’s House of Cut-Rate Hookers and Spackle, Dick speaking”.

On working in the local Pancake Palace:
It’s staggering how many starving ingrates will fit into roughly a 1500 square foot area. And the 42nd order of chicken and waffles gets extra floor spice.

I’d like to see some newsworthy paddlings for a change. Headlines that read like, “EIGHT ASSES BRUTALLY PADDLED BEHIND SUPER 8”

We need another day between Friday and Saturday. We can call it “Bleen”.