China. Wuhan. Bat soup. Wet market. People ill. People dying. World concerned. Virus arrives in US. Citizens alarmed. Talking heads peddle fear porn. Wear masks. Don’t wear masks. Wear masks. Use hand sanitizer. Disinfect your groceries, Wear gloves. Don’t wear gloves. Social distance. Save PPE for healthcare workers. The emergence of the Covid Karen. Businesses closed. No visiting the elderly in care homes. Despair rises. No play dates. No adult dates. Work from home. School from home. No holiday dinners. No proms. No graduation ceremonies. Fourth of July cancelled. People pissed. Fauci moves goal posts continuously. No Halloween. Election shit show. Thanksgiving cancelled. Vaccine pushed. Second wave. Mandates back in play. New variant. Non-stop vaccine push. Emergence of Vaccine Karen and Karl. Double mask if not vaxxed. Lose job if not vaxxed. No college if not vaxxed. Delta variant. More easily spread. More deadly. Hospitals overrun. Nurses quitting. Numbers skewed. VAERS reports studied. People furious. No trust in the CDC, the NIH, or Fauci. Parents push back against masks in school. Masks required on planes until 1/18/22. US on the brink of a total collapse.
Are you angry yet?
I am getting older. Perhaps that explains how I dream this shit up…
My annual breast exam will be conducted at Hooters.
Directions to my doctor’s office will include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
The tongue depressors will taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
My “primary care physician” is wearing the pants I gave to Goodwill last month.
Zanax will come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
“The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
According to the ads to the right of my precious FB real estate, I should pay attention to my real age, my jam box, and something about playing the hottest game for the hottest girls. If this is some sort of opt in/out research, can I make mega bucks participating, or should I be content in the knowledge that these are only subliminal messages designed to prompt me to insert a screwdriver into my eye?
Worst songs to strip to:
“Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego” came roaring into first barely beating out the Animaniacs theme song. In third was “I’m A Little Teapot”, followed by “Silver Spoons”.
Answer calls from scam artists with: “Dick Nasty’s House of Cut-Rate Hookers and Spackle, Dick speaking”.
On working in the local Pancake Palace:
It’s staggering how many starving ingrates will fit into roughly a 1500 square foot area. And the 42nd order of chicken and waffles gets extra floor spice.
I’d like to see some newsworthy paddlings for a change. Headlines that read like, “EIGHT ASSES BRUTALLY PADDLED BEHIND SUPER 8”
We need another day between Friday and Saturday. We can call it “Bleen”.