Country Cuzzins

Ya’ll know I’m from the South; but I don’t think you know too much about my crazy assed family, so I’m gonna just share with you some of the more ah, educated opinions they post back and forth on that shitty FaceBook thing. You know the one… where hurty-words aren’t allowed, but if you’re a Democrat you can say what you want and get away with it? Yeah, that FaceBook.
CNN and The Daily Mail are their go-to rags for all the important info of the day. You know, because those two always tell the TRUTH, and report real news.
They quote Joe Biden and they’re all positive they’ll die from the Chinky Pox, so they extol by way of virtue signal THE MASK. They’re the ones who daily update everyone on the Gloom and Doom numbers. They buy masks in all colors, styles, sizes; color coordinated to match those gargantuan titty holsters that scarce hold up them big ol’ udders they haul around. Always first to bemoan the stupidity of anyone they deem dumber than their high and mighty selves.

“I hate everybody today.”
“Girl me too. One little old lady came in as I was leaving and had her mask on. These other whores were running around, coughing on everything and I wanted to trip them. I’m using my hand sanitizer like lotion right now.”
“We have decided to stay at home voluntarily again. People have no common sense. Didn’t you know the virus is a hoax and tactics for election year?”
“I don’t blame you one bit. One reason I’m so happy I work alone now is because of this shit. When I go into the stores I’m gloved and masked up. Once I get home 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. I go nowhere unless I absolutely have to go to the store. And then I’m still social distancing. Somebody gets up on me I have to give them the look. I did forget about election year. You know how every election year there’s something to cause an uproar. I just want that orange stain out of the white house. I can’t wait to vote!”

And my personal favorite:
“Well… Get it together Facebook. Y’all getting boycotted for allowing racist and hateful speech on your app. But when I tried to share a picture of ‘he who shall not be named’ (don’t want y’all fighting on my post again) with a penis as his head and chin balls, Facebook was all over that one. They threatened to ban me.
“If I was about 20 years younger I would have fought a man at Weigel’s. I didn’t like how he looked at my shirt.”

Here’s a message to you, cuz.
You’re an elitist douche box.
And Granny always liked me better.


Nancy’s Glass House

It seems that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is not only a politician, she’s a doctor, too. Nanners said today that the President was “morbidly obese” and should not be taking Hydroxychloroquine as a preventative measure.
Let’s see…could POTUS lose a few pounds? Sure, as many of us could. But he’s not “obese” by any account. Also, I’d like to think his physician would show an abundance of caution before prescribing anything to him.
But let’s turn the table, shall we? Speaker Pelosi has had “work” done; work that I’m sure required a back hoe, a bulldozer, and an overhead winch. Face lift (allegedly), fillers (allegedly), and enough Botox to paralyze a small village (definitely).
Someone needs to introduce her to blotting papers, as her face has recently  looked like she polished it with Crisco. And those eyebrows!! What graduate of the Ringling Bros clown school drew those on? Too high, too arched, too long. Do we want to talk about the teeth? She sucks on those like a drunk trying to suck the last bit of booze out of a martini’s olive.

No, Nancy. You have no right to judge – glass houses and all that. And I have a couple of really big rocks sitting at the ready.



Surviving A Boor

  Have you ever known someone who no matter what you do, they’ve done it, too…many times, in various locations, won the prize, met the band, had the celebrity chef cook just for them? Lucia and I find ourselves rolling our eyes so hard at people like this.
You know what I mean. If you saw Cats on Broadway, they were there opening night. If you were fortunate enough to see Springsteen at MSG, they went to all 5 shows. Burning Man? Been there, done that. Mention you’re going to Eric Ripert’s restaurant, they’ve been there, and he came out and sat at their table to have a drink. Score tickets for The Masters, and they were there the first time Tiger won. Tell them you’re going to the Super Bowl (Lucia dated a player; that’s another story) and mention it, they’ve been to several and their preferred team always won. At first you nod politely, and go “Oh, that’s great.” Until it isn’t great – it’s boring, tiresome, and you begin to highly doubt they did it at all. I know I sound like a bitch, but even with my genteel upbringing, I recognize bullshit when I smell it.
We knew someone very casually who was like this, and after a while began avoiding him because of his continuous “Oh, I did that. And in Austria!” Not only is it annoying, it borders on rude, as it sucks the joy out of your experience, because according to them, they did it bigger and better than you. Every single time.
So if you are ever in the presence of one of these odious creatures, do what we do now: Pics or it didn’t happen.