Douches, Anal Swabs and Razor Wire

Soooo… Lucia’s back from her six-month sabbatical with Gaspard. Myself, I can hardly believe they’re still together. He’s a gorgeous pussy and she’s well…. Lucia. I like him well enough; and God knows he’s easy on the eyes, but to put up with a woman who would eat the buttons off a remote because his cat shit in one of her Louis something-or-other ridiculously priced name-brand shoes is just plain stupid .

But…. I digress.

So, this is last night’s conversation when she called to say they’re at the airport.
Me: “Where you going this time?”
Lucia: “Nowhere.”
Me: “Are you between flights?”
Lucia: “Gaspard had to go to the men’s room and I haven’t seen him for over an hour, and someone just peed on my supply of instant noodles.”
Me: (rolling my eyes) “How unfortunate. Is there a point to this call?”
Lucia: “Hey, remember when I suffered in squirmy silence with that thing I was embarrassed about and threatened to slit your throat if you mentioned it to D’Arcy?”
Me: “I do,”
Lucia: “I have it again and I bet you told her when I had it before, didn’t you?”
Me: “Does a cat have an ass?”
Lucia: “Fuck you, Blanche; and by the way, we need a ride. And what’s up with sticking Q tips in peoples’ asses and razor wire around the Capitol?”
Me: “I ain’t ridin’ you anywhere. I bet that thing’s hollerin’ and screamin’ so loud it would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
Lucia: “Fine. Oh! There comes Gaspard! Whooooohooo… over here, darling!”
Gaspard: “Mon chérie! Zee Americans even have TV in the men’s rooms!”

Had a text from her this afternoon. They got a ride with “some guy” and they’re somewhere near Cazador, AL; but she isn’t exactly sure where.